Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
