All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
