yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
