he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
