Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
