got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need to sanitize my soul.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
