What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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