Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Girls should come with a carfax report
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
