I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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