I seem to have left my pride at pride
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
