i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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