Already got asked if we're dating
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
