I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
