What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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