Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Watching her eat just hurts me
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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