We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
