textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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