Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
