"it" just moved
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
