Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
