we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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