did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am spending my child support on dildos
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
