i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize