Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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