If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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