im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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