Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Can vaginas get frostbite?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going