i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
