This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
