I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
