You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
