I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
