I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
