sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
