did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
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I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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