i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
