Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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