the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
