proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
