It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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