God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
