u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
