Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
