Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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