I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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