If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
