Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
