I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
