your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
