so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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