I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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