So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
