I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
