She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
