I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
