know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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