I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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