don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
